Member Profile

David Besley


Name: David Reader Besley. I agree. It is a silly middle name. Still, I don't think it warrants a mocking. In elementary school, however, kids are able to tease you for anything. "Hey READER, why don't you go READ a book?" I mean really, that's not much of an insult at all. It was more of a suggestion, and a good one at that.

Moustache/Beard type: Loki, this hurts me. Us Sideburn owners (or "Sideburners" as we call ourselves) are continuously being ignored within the facial hair community. I'm honored to be a part of your group, but I want to FEEL included. I'll ignore it this time, but I'd better see "Moustache/Beard/Sideburns" or simply "Facial Hair" as a substitution in the future. To answer your question, though, my SIDEBURN type is "The Lightning Bolts." That's just a visual description, though. I'm working on the name. I like "Sidebolts" or "Lightningburns." Then again, i could just call them "sideBURNS" because these babies LITERALLY burn . . . WITH THE POWER OF LIGHTNING! When I was growing them, my intention was not only to look great, but also to gain the power of lightning speed. Now, mission one: accomplished. Mission two (lightning speed): to be entirely honest, I'm still working on it. I need to even them up a bit, but trust me, I'll be running around town with the speed of lightning probably within the next week or so. You know, if I run that fast, don't you think I'd need some kind of special shoes? I mean, the friction at that speed? I'd go through a pair of shoes in no time at all. I don't even know where I'd get such a durable shoe.

Age: I am two decades young

Occupation/Hobbies: I am currently in-between jobs, and shall continue to be for as long as I can hold out. As far as hobbies are concerned, I like feeding myself and trimming my nails. There are a few other things I enjoy, primarily music, art, and the company of those who appreciate me. I played the trumpet in my youth, but have become rusty in my old age. I hope to reemerge as a master trumpeter in the near future, however. I also play a little piano (you should see this thing, it is TINY. I need a microscope to even see it). I'm fine at drafting, drawing, the art of interpretive dance, and sculpting, but I don't think I can be truly content with myself until I master the art of wood bowl making. I have a keen interest in wooden bowls. This is a skill I don't even know where I could begin to learn. It may seem like I'm joking, but have you SEEN some of these wood bowls? They are amazing, and I am convinced if you so much as flip through "500 Wood Bowls" (from Lark Books), you too will be inspired.

How long have you been cultivating your current moustache/beard? I told you before that I don't like sideburns being excluded from "moustache/beard", so I have decided to provide this useful key for those of us are confused.
KEY: "Moustache/Beard" = Moustache/Beard/Sideburns
I started my current style from scratch in the middle of June. When I say I started from scratch, I mean my face was but a blank palette. (I had been forced to shave for a job, but I'll get into that later.) A blank palette has infinite potential, however, and it allowed me to proceed with what I'd been considering for a while: the Sidebolts.

How long have you been a moustache/beard grower? I have been growing facial hair since I was in 7th grade. That was before I had accepted and embraced "the fur" and shaved my natural, yeti-like face in fear of being ostracized. I have practiced stylistic facial hair growth since sophomore year, when I worked at the Renaissance Festival as a "King's Herald." Realizing that the vast majority of my fellow (male) Rennies (Ren-fest carnies) were growing facial hair and getting away with it, I did the same.

Do you have any other moustache/beard achievements? Do I ever! I like to invent all my facial hair styles. My first invention was . . . okay, well imagine the heftiest Sideburns you've ever seen. We're talking BIG. These guys were SO big, they had their OWN Sideburns. That's right, my Sideburns had their own Sideburns. That's 4 burns: twice as many as the standard dual-sideburns! My next invention required only a slight modification from the Quadraburns. I delicately trimmed my facial hair so each sideburn was a spade. I sort of wanted my friends to call me "The King of Spades" or even "David Spade," but it turns out the latter was already taken. Meanwhile, I had been harvesting . . . well, as a facial hair enthusiast, I'm sure you know what a "soul patch" is. Well, I took it to the next level, and grew a "Soul STRIPE." It went from just under my lower lip all the way down my neck. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite long enough to connect to my chest hair. I came close - probably within 1 inch - but still, I set my standards high and I was displeased that I didn't make it. You can't win 'em all, though. I trimmed down the garish Spades for my next endeavor: "The Trident." This creation was an elaboration on the Soul Stripe. I kept the original there, and sprouted two shorter Soul Stripes on either side of the main one. I considered calling it "The Devil's Pitchfork," but that wasn't really what I was going for. The shape was correct, but I didn't want to give my facial hair an evil connotation. "The Trident" fit much better, giving it a powerful, yet mystical feel, which is exactly what I was going for. After that, I went with the Sidebolts (or Lightningburns) and here we are today.

Do you use any particular grooming products or trimming tools? Unfortunately no. Just a Gillette Mach 3. I have to admit, it is awfully difficult to maintain my look with such a primitive tool. I would love to have a high quality trimmer, such as the Norelco T970 Accu-Vac Beard and Moustache Trimmer. A Norelco T970 Accu-Vac Beard and Moustache Trimmer would much improve the accuracy of my burns, cut down on my average trim time, and make the perfect holiday gift.

Do you have any moustache/beard grooming tips? Patience cannot be undervalued. Not only growing the facial hair, but developing a style and maintaining it require a great deal of patience. I would also advise any Moustache/Beard/Sideburn enthusiast to experiment with different looks. Finally, be creative! I'm already considering potential styles I can try in the future. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lightningburns and they will look great in my Facial Hair Portfolio, but it's important to raise the bar with every new style.

Do you have a humorous/inspirational/profound story that involves your moustache/beard? no

Have you ever been discriminated against, jeered at, or harassed for your moustache/beard? Every now and again, people laugh at me when I walk by. I'd rather like to think they're laughing WITH me, but when I hear them and attempt to share the laughter (by erupting into a great belly laugh myself), they suddenly become very quiet. Also, at the beginning of this summer, I had a job interview to become a Mobile Disk Jockey. The interview went well and I was offered the job. I accepted and was walking from the office to my car when the manager stopped me and said, "Oh, and one other thing. The beard has to go." Regretfully, I did shave, and several weeks later I was without facial hair AND without that job. The only time I faced serious harassment was was when I accidentally entered a meeting for the Facially Hair Challenged, thinking it was a competition (or "challenge") to determine who had the best facial hair. Were it not for my wit, charm, and my lucky smoke bomb, they would have scalped my facial hair for sure.

What are some common reactions to your moustache/beard? Typically I get no reaction. Women generally hate it, but sometimes I get a grin, and that's good enough for me.

Why do you have your moustache/beard? My hair grows faster than a lawn on Miraclegrow, so its easy for me. My Sideburns also help me define a personal sense of style.
Who are your moustached/bearded heroes, if any? Merlin, Charles Mingus, Santa Clause, William 'Bill the Butcher' Cutting (from Gangs of New York), Treebeard, Van Gogh, Don Ellis, Dumbledore, Thelonious Monk, and, of course, Wooly Willy.

Do you have any favorite moustache/beard related media? --I.e. websites, books, films, etc. The only moustache/beard/sideburn media I'm familiar with is Humbugs. AND WHAT A MEDIA OUTLET IT IS! *wink*

Anything else you’d like to add? Anecdotes, biographical information, or anything else is welcome.
Ahhh, Five Alive, the nostalgic beverage of our youth. A brilliant blend of citrus, creating a juice like none other. "But wait!" I told myself the other day, while reminiscing about the product. "What's the fifth alive?" it consists of lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit, but what other citrus fruits exist? certainly tangerines, tangelos, blood oranges, clementines, and mandarine and naval oranges have their place, but they would all certainly be placed in a sub-species of "orange". I certainly wouldn't be able to notice tangelo juice if it was mixed with a bottle of orange juice. Hell! I don't even know what a tangelo is! I believe there is no unique 5th citrus fruit. But what is the 5th element in the beverage? "there is none?", you ask. Well, perhaps. Five Alive sounds much better than Four Alive. But there must me more to this mystery than marketing. A simple rhyme might sell a product, but i don't believe Five Alive would degrade us in such a way. I've concluded, after days of thought, that the 5th element of Five Alive may not be a physical fruit. Perhaps the combination of those four fruits (lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit) creates a special power . . . a force that ties the whole drink together . . . an essential element, balancing the beverage . . . balancing mankind!

Whenever I remove my bellybutton lint I make it more fun by pretending I’m playing that classic game “Operation.” If you don’t recall, Operation was the game in which we removed all that ailed from the patient with tweezers. A few examples are the “Charlie horse,” the “Adam’s apple” and other things that a real doctor would never remove. The tricky part was not hitting the side of the patient. This would cause his red, light-bulb nose to buzz and light up. (Funny how we never questioned this when we were little.) Anyway, I pretend that I am both the patient and the doctor performing the operation. Item to be removed: belly button lint. I don’t actually use tweezers, but my fingers rather; this increases the challenge, for my fingers are gangly and awkward. Plus, I wouldn’t want to stab my bellybutton with tweezers. While I don’t recoil my hand in terror and scream upon hitting the side of the belly button (nor does my nose light up and buzz), I do disqualify myself until tomorrow’s game. It’s usually not as hard to remove as, say, the “wishbone” (damn, that was a challenge) but man, sometimes that lint is lodged way toward the bottom of that hole. Plus, I have all this hair around my bellybutton. It’s like a jungle of hair! That increases the challenge significantly. Also, I've found that when I dress in layers, my belly button becomes a sort of lint factory.

The best food that comes from the dining halls is the soft-serve. they have (from left to right) chocolate, swirl, and vanilla. (I'm a vanilla man myself.) Now, the other day I had enjoyed some dinner and I wanted to top it off with a tasty treat, so I headed to the soft-serve machine. Well, woe is me (or was me, as it were) because they had just added more ingredients, which needed to mix and freeze and such. Now, I'm a very busy (and important) man. I had no time to waste. But I had a sweet tooth that simply had to be satisfied, so I needed to do something. Well, I'm a very crafty fellow, and I came up with what I thought at the time to be a genius idea. I can tell you right now, in retrospect, that it was not. In fact, it was a terrible idea. One of my worst (and I am a man of some pretty foolish schemes). Okay, so I had this cone in my hand and had been ready to fill it with the vanilla treat, when I realized this was impossible. I'd had my heart set on soft-serve, but I decided to try something else. What did they have that I could fill this cone with? "Something sweet," I thought to myself as I paced back and forth looking in all directions for something I could use. "Of Course!" I exclaimed as I rushed to the the cereal dispensers. I decided on generic Cocoa Pebbles and filled up the cone with cereal. But it would still be far too dry to eat. Have you ever eaten cake cones with no ice cream? They taste like stale chemicals. The obvious choice of a liquid additive to my dessert was milk. It is, after all, the link between soft serve and cereal. Without pontificating this further, I added the milk. I added a lot of it. And the cone started leaking instantly. I grabbed a dozen napkins, but they weren't enough. Somehow, it leaked through the cone and then the napkins. Milk was just gushing out of this cone and spilling all over the floor. Solution: More napkins. Meanwhile, It seems I had added so much milk that the cocoa pebbles had floated too high and began falling like confetti at a ticket tape parade. Now, despite the chaos that I had created, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, I lost a lot of milk. it's gonna be too dry. I'd better refill it." But fortunately, my common sense happened to step in at just that moment. Dude, when my common sense saw what had happened during his bathroom break, he was stunned. How could so much go wrong in such a short period of time? Well, he got to work instantly. I decided I needed to eat it as quickly as possible to avoid further mess. And I did. The taste itself wasn't awful, but it wasn't very effectively packaged; I certainly wouldn't recommend it. Plus, I made a huge mess and embarrassed myself. Of course, there's nothing unique about me embarrassing myself.